This certified


is presented to

___ [name] ___

in recognition that they ...
possess an affective vocabulary, can read alphanumeric glyphs and spell orthographically, can effect syntactic grammar at will, can detect every semantic nuance of enunciation or alliteration, can translate oratorical rhetoric into expository semiotics, can inappropriately quote out of context, can imagine more synonyms and antonyms than manifest cognomens, can militate and mitigate penultimate syllables or phonemes, can annotate chrestomathies and scholiate anthologies, can isolate solecistic sensibilities from jejune jocosities, can manipulate extrinsic etymologies to create novel neologisms, can separate idiotic idioms from juvenile jargon, can distinguish between hyperbole and hypocrisy, can ambiguously mix aesthetic metaphors, can differentiate editorial fiat from popular pandering, can measure prosodical meters without comprehension, can conjugate clauses and contractions in compliant consonance, and can diagram dreck beyond partly fractured analogies and turgid similes, without violating any ephemeral lexical codes or the margins of good taste, as the quintessential product of modern pedagogy.
This operator's permit entitles the bearer to compose drivel at will, to emulate ethnic diphthongs and imitate allegorical elegies, to issue reveries or puns or other deconstructive non-sequiturs, to insist that intellectual musings or emotional expressions are the laborious equivalent of real work, to posit that distraction and inattention are proof of legitimate research or creativity, to make arcane observations and cite obscure references, to scribble upon any convenient surface and declare it sacrosanct, to maintain the body on pot-boilers and the spirit on boiler-makers, to engineer a trite imagination into an affluent preeminence, to declare that all writing implements acquire a mystical aura when employed for noble literary ends by those anointed and privileged acolytes to the art of letters.
This license is not a library card, does not grant access to reserve collections in cloistered archives or depositories, does not bestow a discount for bookstore or office-supply purchases, does not award rebates on postage for speculative query letters or multiple manuscript submissions, and is positively not a testament of good character, nor a warrant of reliable conduct.
Literary License Class
• graffitist
• playwright
• journalist
• scribbler
• scrivener
• publisher
• hack
• bard
• editor
• versifier
• lyricist
• critic
• scribe
• author
• agent